As The World Turns...

Brad is dying in that show. /: He's my facorite character. And their are so many love triangles it's rediculous. My hair is wet. Hmm. So dramatic, I'm watching it right now. If you don't know, As The World Turns (ATWT) is a soap. Anywho, my hands are freezing. And my toes are numb. I don't have much to talk about. I messed up my friends hair today, and she probably hates me. >.< [Sorry Tamie.]
Michael went to Hawii, and now I have no one else to hang with because everyone but me has a life. I'm texting Will right now. He's sorta all I think about anymore besides school and how I'm going to get my work done and if I'm passing...blah blah blah.
Now I just got a random text that says "This is my number." I have no clue who this is but they must live out here cause they have the same area code. Haha. I answered as "Who dis be?" lol. I'm so gangerster. . . Not. Man, I got testing tomorrow. ._. Not gonna be fun. I'm suprised I'm still up. I fixed my iPod! Woot. :]
This isn't interesting. >.< So I'm just gonna silently walk away.
*Walks away.....*

Just A Poem. (:

"The Silvers Tempting Gleam."

It's another night.
Filled with one more pointless fight.
She glances at a razor.
Then a long look at a temporary unsaving savior.
The silver gleam dances in her eyes.
Inside she begins to scream.
Is there light in all my darkness?
Can there be anything white, pure and untouched?
Will it ever be found?
Or always remain bound?
Holding the steel against her skin.
Thinking that this battle she cannot win.
Cutting herself, leaving red in it's wake.
Scars on her arms and her battered heart.
Collapsing on the ground.
The shattered parts are all around.
Letting her sorrow soak it's way into her mind.
Screaming in shame.
Is there light in all my darkness?
Can there be anything white, pure and untouched?
Will it ever be found?
Or always remain bound?
One day she'll be found.
And picked up off the bare and dirty ground.
Finally made clean.
The silver won't have it's tempting gleam.
Healed by His blood, and her own faith.
Through His precious grace.
There is light in all my darkness.
There can be white, I am pure and untouched.
It's been found.
And I'm no longer bound.

Consume. Thursday, October 22, 2009.

Hear the gravel crunch under my feet.
As I make my way down to a silent street.
These Autumn colors do nothing to comfort me.
For repairing myself is something so bittersweet.

Everyone who lied & left me alone plays in my head.
They shot me up with their words & left me for dead.
This empty place is where I must escape from.
I'm not staying here, I'll run far away instead.

I'll search through my mind for places to run to.
But this secluded land gives me so few.
A solitary graveyard has become my hiding place.
Simply because it doesn't remind me of you.

I've learned that love isn't all we need.
Unless my mind is just of a different breed.
Lying & false promises are nothing close to love.
I'm glad I didn't trust you or follow your selfish lead.

Sitting down, leaning against a gravestone, I'll close my weary eyes.
Half-truths & false happiness will never become my disguise.
I'd rather die then live my life with a liar.
& I'd rather give it all up then be the one who always tries.

Forget having a co-pilot, I'd rather fly solo.
Staying high up, I won't let you drag me down below.
Pulling myself back together, I start towards home.
To meet someone that will truly care, will never be so.

Home again, I'll shut the door on you & to my quiet room.
I've learned to cope in order to not meet my tragic doom
.From now on I'm doing this alone, I don't need someone to hold my hand.
For my heart's something love will never consume.

Pull your fuckin cock out! 10:29PM

I guess thats a line from a "porn" me and my friends made. Hah. Long ass story foo. How the fuck is everyone?! I decieded while eating a HUGE FUCKIN BAG OF CHEETOS I should write a little something while I have time. My weekend you ask? Wow, fuckin' amazing. ( I swear to fucking much...) Friday, I hung out with Gianna and Nathan. Had a blast. Went out on the scooter and fell off it 2 times. Had sex friday. Finaly! But... it was bad. NATHAN SUCKS IN BED. -_- Sorry dude, but i'd never fuck you again. ( I'll save for Vegas; You know who you are. ) Umm... Saturday, hung out with Alyssa and Michael. Alyssa went home at 3, Michael left at 8. :] Halloween store is fuckin amazing. I'ma be a gangstah for halloweeen. (I almost wrote Christmas, wow. I can't think, way to tired.) ._. Umm.. Sunday. Hella bad day. My cousin died.... in front of me. And the sad thing is, we went out to eat after that. I feel horrible. >.<>.< I have a midget as a friend, his name is Nik Sin. He's fuckin amazing.<333 Speaking of will, I think he's utterly cute and adorable. I can't wait to see him dance and give him a kiss on the cheak. And... other things. ooooo. Im gonna go read. Sorry this wasnt interesting. Go listen to BowlingForSoup, their amazing! Byesss.(:

Music is like candy, Throw away the "Rappers".

"I think we have more than sparks, I think we have fuckin' fireworks!" I don't have classes till eight tomorrow! Wooot! XD My house if being fulled of chaotic arguments over a sugar bear. You don't know what a sugar bear is? Well... it's like the smallest animal I've ever seen besides an insect. And they don't get very big. My sister bitches because she thinks that just because I have classes I won't help take care of it... I HAVE NEVER SAID THAT. And plus, I'm not the one who wanted the damn thing. It was her and her kids. But it's fine. Maddie gets stuck getting the blame for almost everything. :/ Shit. Speaking of my sister, she just keeps bitching about everything. Today, I asked her to do this dish's while I took the dog for a walk so I would be back in time for my other sister to pick me up so we could go visit my grandma in the nursing home. And she fuckin flips out and acts like im not gonna help with the fuckin thing. Oh well. She knows I have an anger problem and she kept arguing. She doesn't lift a finger around here. It's all me and she can't do shit. So I slapped her. It wasn't really me though, it was the anger. The... vemon. It's nothing but eating me alive. The slightest thing can piss me off now. And I have no clue why. Ooo. Umm, meaning of the title. So.. there was this party that my friend had. And it was like a HUGE party. And it actually had a theme. It was candy. I hated that party. I felt soo alone and just way to many people I didn't know there. Anywho, they only played rap music. Like hard rap. Nothing soft rap or anything. Just people talking really fast. It sucked.
So. BOYS. Woow. Does one of them blow me away. Will. hah. Whenever I talk to him it's nothing but smiles. The thing is itallic.... it's what I said to him earlier. Because... Sparks don't really mean anything... but FIREWORKS. They mean a hella lot. This kid named Tim. He's just weird to me... Idk. Like creepy stalker weird.
HOLY SHIT. Is anyone tired of hearing about Micheal Jackson! Im sick of hearing about how he died, whos sad about. Come on'. It was like 3 months ago. Hah. Speaking of death, Billy Mays is dead and he's still trying to sell Oxy Clean. Wtf right? I don't know. I don't have much to talk about.. All I know is I miss someone bad and I can't wait to see what Vagas is like so I can be in the same bed as he. *Burp* Ooo. Gas much? Ahh. My sister blew a huge fart today. It stank so baddd. I guess thats what happends when your pegnant. *sneeze* I hope Im not getting sick again... -___- *bites lip* Will just texted me. Haha. Ooo. Medical shows are so fuckin awesome. I think I want to be a doctor. Im thinkin' medical school in four years? Masters degree. idk. Phyciatrist? Yeah! But then I can't gossip about people's problems. Eh, I wouldnt anyways. That'd be mean. xP I don't know anything else to talk about. I think I should sleeep. Hella tired.

Mkay, Will Says I Have Something To Talk About.

Blahhhhhh.
My hands are cold.
AND I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
So... yeah.

Bye.

Who Am I To Say? 11:49 PM.

I haven't been writing lately. Sorry. So, I guess my mind is getting claustrophobic. Most of these thoughts are coming from my brain and my heart. Most of them are about Will. Yeah, you don't know the stories behind this amazing man I see, maybe I shall tell some. The first night I talked to Will he was drunk. He reminds of the Matter from Cars. (If you've ever seen that movie...) He makes me smile... And their not those fake smiles I give often, I guess they mean something. You guess Maddie?! No. They DO mean something. I just can't figure that out yet... I've "dated" this guy before, almost made him the center of my life and had a kick out of it. Although, at the end he found someone new. Sure, it hurt a bit but I got passed that. I dealt with it. I had fun with him, I love talking to him. But why does it feel all different now? Why are feelings constantly coming back? I think it's because I haven't hardly talked to him over 7 months... or maybe because within a couple months I'll be laying in the same bed as this dude. The more I think the more I wonder if I'll ever get the chance with him again... Or will I just fuck it up like I did the last time. I swear I've changed, I know I have. He makes me feel special. Not just because he's some guy with a nice heart and a total sweet talker... but the fact that he actually means the shit he says. And how long he can talk to someone by never meeting them in person. How I can sit there and talk to him for hours if I had the chance. It's amazing how feelings can disappear for one person but then realize how you much you miss them and suddenly their back again. It's just weird that my mind is telling me that I might get hurt, yet I'm used too it. My heart is telling me; "Tell him how you feel, it might change something...." But then.... my mind interferes and just fucks things up. It stops me from telling anyone anything. People wonder why I take the time out of my day to add more and more details to how love possibly may exists. Kind of like God; People just read a book and believe he's there... But no logical reason. I want to find that logical reason for love. I know it's there, I know it must exists because everyone's in it. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. The topic is Will. Will. Will. Will. God, how much I hate that name. It comes up in amost every sentence. WILL you go get me this? WILL you do this for me? WILL there be nacho's today? Everytime I hear it, I think of him. [Obviously because it's his name...] But I don't just think of him. I think of how it would be like to actually be around him, to feel his touch, to poke him, to just interact with him other than verbally over the phone. Things I imagine.... I just want them already. I'm sick of waiting for shit. I mean, I think I work hard to get what I want... Can't I just get a freebie this time?

Im a loser, I know.

It seems like everything is falling into place... weird for this to happen. Rebecca has changed. I have changed. Shit, even my mom changed.. Change. It makes me wonder. Have the people who changed actually figured out they needed to? 'Cause personally I have. I figured out I was too selfish. (As I think.) I feel like I didn't really care about the world. I complainded too much. :/ But I've changed. I'm more into helping people. And, I'm usually with my family. Friends can fuck off for now. Well, certain ones. I don't do any drugs. Completely clean. I don't dare to touch another needle, pill, anything again. Yes I do weed. Sometimes. I drink. Sometimes. Not too much. I'm focusing on school. Helping people. I want to be a physcitrist. And so far.. alot of people are coming to me for thier problems. I kind of like it. I've been trying to get Rebecca and her ex Chis back together. So far.. its going well.. BUT! She won't admit that she likes him. Which is driving me crazy. She admits it to me but tells him a totally different story. Now it's kind of pissing me off. But I'm good at this stuff and she's gonna tell him tomorrow. :]
Anyways, friends come and go right? Ever think some come back? Hah. I do. A couple of old friends are back in my life. Lets see.. We have my ex, Will. Which... I don't know where it's going but we've been talking alot. And my mind always wonders to thoughts of him. Is that bad? Hmm.. Im talking to nothing. Just writing. That doesn't make sense. Nice going maddie. But umm.. yeah. He's cool to talk to . (: I enjoy his presence. I'm actually moving out to Cali soon and I cannot wait to hang with him. My friend Tammy is actually back into my life because she's going to COD. (College of Dupage.) I've been hanging out with her alot lately. She's supposed to be coming over today. Woot.
Alright, I wanna rant about something right now... Cell phone chargers. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS FUCKIN BREAK?! Holy Ba'Jesus! I hate them. Mine is like completely dismembered. -_- but.. that's alright.. because I got a new one. :P haha. But I had to say something about it. lol.
Yeah. So.. I want this tatoo.. and it's a heart. But i can't tell you why because it's lame. <3
Haha. Byes.

Life/ Love Story

Have you ever felt that feeling whenever you see someone, you freeze and your heart starts to beat so fast and you have to hold on to something so you wouldn't fall? Sometimes when they talk to you, do you utter stupid words and end up embarrassing yourself? It's not that you want it, but just the presence of that person makes your heart beat faster and slower at the same time. Would you be brave and admit your feelings? What if it's simply not meant to be, do you give up? Or keep trying and end up with nothing? Well, that's love. Its irony speaks, but you got to take risks to get answers. When you meet someone and you gradually fall in love with that person, try to express your love to him/her because every moment you wasted would be equal to tons of regret in the end. Don't wait until it's too late to tell someone how much you love, how much you care. Because when they are gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry they won't hear you anymore.The love you can't have lasts the longest, feels the strongest and hurts the most. It's so hard pretending to be friends with someone special when every time you look at that person it just hurts even more knowing that all you see is ultimately everything that you want but you can't have. Isn't it stupid when you say, "no, I don't love that person anymore." But still, when the memories are refresh and that person become visible again in your life. You'll stare and say, "Damn it! Why can't I forget you?" So each time I see you, I say to myself, "I moved on." Each time you smile at me, I say to myself, "yeah, were just friends!" But every time you look at me, I end up saying, "Shit! It's so hard to pretend!" It's hard to love someone who is not serious enough. Time would give you chances to talk, chances to be together and chances to share. See how it hurts?! You only have chances, just chances.A heartbreak isn't as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful thing is no one really hears it except you. You can handle the pain that you feel and make others believe that you can move on. But you can never deny the truth to yourself that the person who failed and hurt you is still the person you'll choose to love. I cried so many times because of a love lost and a love I never really had. I suffered pain worse than dying. But feelings change and there's one lesson that everybody should learn in time…move on. You can't finish a book without closing its chapters. If you want to move on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It's a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing. The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. Learn to appreciate the rainbow after cursing the rain. It's just like loving again after experiencing pain. Loving someone can't be proven with just the way you feel, the words you say or the things you give. If you've ignored yourself and sacrificed your own happiness for the one you love, you know what love means.

Poems. -_-

As I Reach.
As I reach towards the stars, my hand still falls short
I lack the strength needed for ambition’s support
Try to push further on, before the moment is gone
But I falter, and the dream is withdrawn…Strange thoughts blossomed deep in my headFrom seeds that were sown with the tears that I shedTried to strangle my mind, somehow I turned out just fineWhat mattered there, was no longer mineThe heart will stay empty, if you’re lacking the soulIt’s a small price to pay for affection I’ve stoleI tried filling it up, but it was never enoughTo erase turmoil, from a lifetime so roughTo seek that redemption is an arduous pathThose staring around throw their heads back and laughIgnore their pitiful cries, all laden with liesCause failure falls to those who don’t try
So please just stop saying goodbye


We Thought Forever.


On dark nights I think of you,
Still wondering "are we really through?"
You still tell me you love me,
It can't be true,
Were not together and I blame me, not you...

I know what I did to you was wrong,
I made mistakes,
I know I lied,
And thats not great.

I don't regret ever being with you,
And I dont regret making you smile,
Because, what we thought would last forever....
Was only for a while.

Rolling Down Hills, Ex's, and Dairy Queen.

So I hung out one of my old friends today. Her name is Tammy. And she's completely adorable. And has the cutest laugh. :P Anyways, We went for a walk. We went over a hill and umm.. yeah, not so go there. I tripped over a stick, or you could say branch. But I fell down the hill and rolled down it.. and almost landed in a stream of water. Oh.. and I was also on the phone with my ex. He's a dick but I guess I talked to him. But at the end of that conversastion I told him never to call me again and that Tammy absolutely loved his voice.

Umm.. Dairy Queen. It was good. Um.. Tammy only had a vanilla ice cream cone and I had a medium cookie dough blizzard. GRRR I CAN NOT FUCKIN' SPELL TODAY. :[

Umm... Alyssa wouldn't stop texting me so then I just turned my phone off and it died once already.. She kills my phone. Its ridiculous. My tongue itches. I found this rap CD that my sister made me a long [somewhat long] time ago.. and it had the song "'Cause I got High" Dude, tammy fuckin rocked out... lmao. How do you rock out to rap?

AAHHH! Now my hand itches. Does that mean ill get money? I heard that saying. lol..

Umm... what shall I rant about? Hmmmm.... hmpf. Do do do do do.. I just ate a ham and cheese hot pocket. I think my mom is deaf.. or alteast half deaf. My mind is not in the process of thinking.. so i'm out.
Latas.




..... And Andrew is weird. :P

I was called "hipnotic" today...

By this kid that I just met today. :D His name is Andrew!
And he is fuckin amazing.. (Obviously because he told me to say it. :P)
Anyways... Yeah. It was the highlight of my day. =D

10:48 PM. Thoughts?

Does anyone think that life is going by fast? I do.. I mean, wow. I was talking to Will today and it feels like I just started talking to him like a weekago even when it was two months, tops. We we're talking about when he comes back in October.. and he said it's only a month in a half. It's like woooow, it sounds so much longer than that but life just went by really fast. So did this summer. It's like, if I go to college what happens then? Will it all just be breeze or some shit? I'd like to know.
Umm.. I haven't done much today but then again, it's only eight. So fuck it. I have nothing better to do. I've watched the Childs Play movies sense Ive been up.. and that's only been like 8 hours. Considering I got up at 12.. Wait, I got up at 1. So, 7 hours?

Umm.. im busy, so I'll talk later.

What goes through my mind at 3:37AM.

Well, it's sort of and only will be about... Josh. I don't know why he's been in my head lately but he won't go away. It's like all the memories of him are just planted in my brain and some sprinkles of water come and make them grow the minute they start to die. I've been talking o him but I don't think that would do anything because it's just about how he's homeless and shit. So I don't think it's that. Anyways, I just got off the phone with my friend Ryan. I'm currently texting Alyssa. She can't sleep.. hmm.. Her and Keith should really date. They'd make a cute couple.(:
Umm.. about today. Well I was suppose to go to my aunts but that never happend because my dads a dumbass and forgot it was NEXT FUCKING MONDAY. I could have slept in but forget because... I got a fuckin suprise. I hate suprises dude, they effin suck sometimes. Well, today my friends thought it would be a cool plan to wake me up at fuckin eight in the morning and just chill. SERIOUSLY?! Who chills at EIGHT IN THE FUCKING MORNING?! No.. Not me. But I did anyways.. I had sort of a spiffy time if I say so myself. We played spin the bottle. I madeout with Kris and kissed Gianna... Her lips.. OMG. HER EFFIN LIPS ARE AMAZING. But besides that point. I guess today went okay. I kind of ignored Becca but then smootly pulled her to the side and had a wonderful chat... NOT.
This girl.. I used to love that she could tell me things and depend on me for shit. But now.. oh my fucking lord she's just so needy. And doesn't understand the words "It's Over, what's done is dont.. and I don't really want to change that. We're made for eachother Becca, just not romanticly."
I don't get it.. Can she please just give up. I don't really like girls anymore. She ruined for me. I used to think of her as someone I can talk to and shit... not the "Crazy ex girlfriend." or the "needy friend" it's all too much. Sorry. Jeeze. It's like "Please leave me alone or I WILL call sercurity."
Peace.

HUGE Update.

So... I am single. Doesn't matter why, or how, or when. It's just the point that love for me right now isn't good. I got a job... And only worked one day so far. Fuck what you think of it. (: My ex boyfriend Will is currently back into my life. And I honestly really like it that way. He's in Iraq right now and is going to California in October because that's where he's stationed. Which I am actually planning on moving out there to start college in a year. Maybe get my life on track for once; Something I never wanted to do but life with my parents is really starting to tick me off. My lip hurts. -.-" Ummmm. Technology. Yeah, it... it doesn't like me. At all. My computer fucks up. My cell phone is gay. And I think I broke the clock. Is a clock considered as "technology"?
...Did I even spell that right. Speaking of spelling, I wish Blogger had spell check...
Wait, it does. Ooops. Nevermind then. :[ That was just a waste of typing. But it would have been much more of a waste to deleted. Eh? Haha. I didn't think that best friends talk behind your back. I mean, try to set you up with someone and then just because you didn't want to be with the person your friend tried to set you up with they tell that person lies about you? I mean, isn't that just fucked up? I haven't talked to Gianna Marie Coffman in like 2 months. I effin miss her. Her phone is off. :/ I have no connection to her whatsoever. That really sucks. I realized I do this really weird thing with my toes... their always up for some reason. Haha, it's werid. Lmfao. GUESS WHAT! I have chocolate milk. I'm going to have nightmares tonight. It's weird. Whenever I have chocolate milk at night it gives me nightmares. And no, not about chocolate milk trying to kill me. However, that did happen once. I have a sudden urge for vanilla ice cream with strawberry's on top. Mmmmm. Okay I should stop thinking of it cause I'll never get it. :/ Today, wow. It's been a depressing day. For some reason. I mean, I was home alone half of the day... And I actually enjoy that. But today.. I didn't. And Becca hardly talks to me anymore. Ashten is just ignoring me ever sense Becca tried to get me and him together. Everything is just awkward between friends. :[ I miss Lucy... Why did she have to take those fuckin pills! Why. It's really effin hot in here. I have a fever of 102. Kill me please. I just want........ water. Ice cold water. I want to get the fuck out of here and somewhere I belong. Is that so hard?

Random?

I went to the doctors...and I don't eat right. My back hurts because of 'stress' but I also have a broken disk laying on my back. These past couple of days have been going suprisingly well. Although I did sleep in a tent once but that was a stupid fight with my mom. Speaking of her, she hasn't really picked a fight with my lately. Little ones but not MAJOR ones. Ive been spending alot of time with my nephew. He overdosed.. that day, nothing went right at all. Baylee's (my niece) dad is a douche bag. I could kill him. Lets not talk about that day. I really dont have much to say but maybe i'll be on later. Peace and love.

xxxMads.

Thoughts.

I think that I drink too much. I mean, I feel like I can't stop. It's starting to really piss me off. -.- I brought up the idea of going to AA meetings alot, and no one agree's with me that I should. Hmpf. <---- That's a noise I make when I think..lol. Umm. Love. Does anyone know how to treat people right? I'm sick of guys telling me that thier girlfriends treat them like shit. See.. to me, girls like that are like fish. You know, just swimming in their world pool of "treating their guys like shit".. and me? Im on the current.. I don't do that.. but I sit and listen to all these good guys telling me that their girlfriends destroy them and treat them like shit. It gets to depressing. Its hard to swim on the current.. I guess you could say those guys do it too.. Because in most of my relationships I got treat like shit.. I know what it feels like to be those guys. So, maybe all those girls got treated like shit, dumped, cheated and on and on.. but why do it to them? I mean, aren't they fairly happy that someone is an actual gentalmen to them, and treat you girls like queens but they just get shitted on. What's the point.. and the weird thing about these guys is... they stay with them. I DO NOT GET THAT. But their lame excuse for not being alone.. "She'll change" ... my comback to that... is "I dont think so buddy, that girl has been hurt..and hurt bad and your the only one she wants to take it out on cause your a guy and she'll think your just like the last one.." and he'll be like 'well, im not.. blah blah blah' but that girl wont see that.. she'll just think hes a jerk and treat him like shit. and that.. ugh, that kinda ticks me off. I know a feel people like that. *cough* becca *cough* but im trying to make becca realize thier not all like that.. (Josh, I love you.) and yeah.. people she look into that.. I dont think people(guys, girls mostly..) realize that.. Thanks.

The Road Less Traveled.

Feeling lost in my own home...not knowing if I'm better off alone. A Runaway. Driving until I'm out of gas, then keep walking until I'm out of breath. to find a place I need to be. Laying on a bed of clovers in an endless dream, as another joins next to me. I'll never know his name... and he'll never know how much he meant to me. As he whispers in my ear," If we are all alone in this world, then aren't we all also together in something?"

Will You Be There?

Someone I can just cuddle.
Complete me like the missing piece of my puzzle,
And still love me when I'm in trouble.
Let me be his woman,
Respect me for who I am…
And, trust my word when no one else can-
Will pick me over all the rest,
The one who knows, for me, what's best…
And knows I ONLY loves him and doesn't have to guess.
Could be down to do whatever…
Always be around, for each other.
Who cherishes each moment we share together.

My Demented Life?

Well, my name is Madeline. I go by Maddie. My closest friends call me Mads or Julia. I'm adopted.. which is why my name is Julia. Madeline is on my birth cirtificate but my foster parents named me Julia. I hate that name despretely. I was born on Aprill 22, 1991. Which makes me 18 and a Taraus. Airgo; The bull. My life.. I sometimes hate it. I mean, my mom is a whore. I see my real mom like a lunar ecplise... So not too often. The foster mom.. she dresses like a hooker. She's married but cheats. That's overrated and uncalled for. You don't love someone, I understand that.. then why stay with them and hurt them? It's pathetic. Get a devorice, you cunt. I simply hate her. I do mostly everything around this house and she bitches at me for doing nothing. She's the one who shoots up herion and fucks everything she see's. My dad on the other end.. He's pretty cool, I guess. He hits me when I do something wrong or back-talk. And I understand that.. I guess. Cause I guess it's disapline. Oh well. -Shrugs shoulders- There's only seven people I truly care about in this world. Baylee- My niece. She was a myrical. I love her more than anything. I'm the one who really took care of her while her mother was in jail. (My sister Jennifer) And she's so adorable. I love spending time with her but it does get tiring.. and I can handle that. I cherish everytime I'm with her. You see, she's a myrical because she wasn't really supposed to be born. I guess you call her a suprise more than a mistake. I was a mistake. I was told so too. Anyways.. she wasnt suppose to be born because my sister at that time so a little overweight where her weight couldn't hold a baby. Well, she got threw it and I watched her for 7 months. I loved and enjoyed every moment of it. Jennifer- My sister. She's the one that's always been there for me. Through thick and thin. She helped me stop cutting for a bit, and she also made me see enjoy life alot more. Joshua Shaw- He's my boyfriend. He's someone I've never met.. -And I know people may not approve of that or say shit.. but SHUT THE FUCK UP. Love to me.. is about taking RISKS. And yeah, im taking a big one.. but I have faith unlike some of the assholes who tell me that Im doing wrong to my heart.- He means alot too me. He's someone who kept me intrested from the first day that I ever talked to him. He's sweet unlike anyone else I've ever met. He know's how to calm me down when I'm pissed off and or sad. He knows how to make me feel better when I'm sick. He always makes me smile and blush and I can talk to him about anything. He's someone I never want to loose. He's just... Josh. And I love him. My two nephews- They mean the world to me. Yeah, they get aggrivating but I can tell them my secrets also. And they keep them is suprising. Becca- She's my bestfriend. To be bluntly honest (I hear Josh say 'Bluntly' alot.. so I tend to use it...) I used to date her. Yeah, we're made for eachother.. just not romantically. We're never apart. She's been my bestfriend for 12 years now. We fight alot but we get over it in two minutes. We laugh at the things we argue about. It's fun to have someone so different from you, but yet so alike. Then there's my dog.. - Haha. His name is Tyson. He got his name frome the wrestler "Mike Tyson" because he bit my uncle's ear. Anyways.. I care about him.. because come on, who doesnt love their dog? No.. but I love talking to him.. (yes, i weird) but he's a good listener. And he even makes jesters to things I say.. so thats pretty sweet. He's the one who cuddles with me when I'm scared or sad. And I love it.. Umm.. I graduated from highschool and turned down Priceton. Why? Well, I do stupid shit.. But I guess I'm just taking a year off of school and might go back next year. I want to be a Photographer, RN, or a Lawyer. I need time to think. I also play acoustic guitar and the base drums. I write songs and poems. "Poems are songs" -Josh. Yeah.. I have another sister.. her name is Lucy. She died last year at the age of 14. In June. I guess you can say it's okay. She ment alot too me and still does. She overdosed and I felt like it was my fault because they we're my pills. *Sigh* You born, you live, you die. It's life. But yeah.. that's my life.

Questioning.

Why do people always use racist comments when their fighting? I used to do it alot.. and I don't understand why we do it. I mean, is it just human nature I guess. It's pathetic of what we do. We call African Americans; Niggers. We call Mexicans; Beans or border jumpers and we called white poeple; White trash or trailer trash. What the fuck is up with that seriously? It's really racial when we do it.. yet we say we're not racist. It's pretty fucked up..but It's humans I guess.

Why is the sky blue? Yeah.. I mean, why blue? I like purple. Maybe it's something that has to do with the atmosphere. Then again, space is black.. but the sky is only black;dark blue, in the night. Makes alot of sense.. not.

Why is the grass green?I don't understand why God picked those colors. Does grass scream the color green... lol.
Why are we born, then live, and then die? Sometimes I wish we could live forever.. but there's no such thing to me. I mean, who really know's if there's a heaven. I believe there is... then I don't. They say heaven is just like earth. Other people say it's nothing like it. Who do we believe?

Why do people fall in love? You know everyone falls in love at some point in time. I am at the moment.. and I don't want it to end. But, what does love really mean? .. That's a trick question you see. The answer, is very complicated yet so easy at the same time. My answer.. It's the way someone thinks of you, how they look at you, how they treat you.. Just what YOU think it is to you. The answer : Love means alot of things. And I like that. Because everyone has their own opinion.

Why do people look at love in a negitive way? I used to look at love as.. "I don't wanna fall in love" Why? "Because I'm just going to get hurt.. no matter what. I already know that I will, so what's the point" .. I realized the point is that you try. Not all may succeed but love CAN last forever. And everyone can/will have that. I think.. hope...know I have that. But I hate that I looked at it in a negitive way because then it actually goes the way you think it will. If you have confidence, I guess it'll go good. If you don't and looked at it as I used too.. You probably won't get to far. One thing's for sure.. I'm glad I don't look at it like that anymore.