Who Am I To Say? 11:49 PM.

I haven't been writing lately. Sorry. So, I guess my mind is getting claustrophobic. Most of these thoughts are coming from my brain and my heart. Most of them are about Will. Yeah, you don't know the stories behind this amazing man I see, maybe I shall tell some. The first night I talked to Will he was drunk. He reminds of the Matter from Cars. (If you've ever seen that movie...) He makes me smile... And their not those fake smiles I give often, I guess they mean something. You guess Maddie?! No. They DO mean something. I just can't figure that out yet... I've "dated" this guy before, almost made him the center of my life and had a kick out of it. Although, at the end he found someone new. Sure, it hurt a bit but I got passed that. I dealt with it. I had fun with him, I love talking to him. But why does it feel all different now? Why are feelings constantly coming back? I think it's because I haven't hardly talked to him over 7 months... or maybe because within a couple months I'll be laying in the same bed as this dude. The more I think the more I wonder if I'll ever get the chance with him again... Or will I just fuck it up like I did the last time. I swear I've changed, I know I have. He makes me feel special. Not just because he's some guy with a nice heart and a total sweet talker... but the fact that he actually means the shit he says. And how long he can talk to someone by never meeting them in person. How I can sit there and talk to him for hours if I had the chance. It's amazing how feelings can disappear for one person but then realize how you much you miss them and suddenly their back again. It's just weird that my mind is telling me that I might get hurt, yet I'm used too it. My heart is telling me; "Tell him how you feel, it might change something...." But then.... my mind interferes and just fucks things up. It stops me from telling anyone anything. People wonder why I take the time out of my day to add more and more details to how love possibly may exists. Kind of like God; People just read a book and believe he's there... But no logical reason. I want to find that logical reason for love. I know it's there, I know it must exists because everyone's in it. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. The topic is Will. Will. Will. Will. God, how much I hate that name. It comes up in amost every sentence. WILL you go get me this? WILL you do this for me? WILL there be nacho's today? Everytime I hear it, I think of him. [Obviously because it's his name...] But I don't just think of him. I think of how it would be like to actually be around him, to feel his touch, to poke him, to just interact with him other than verbally over the phone. Things I imagine.... I just want them already. I'm sick of waiting for shit. I mean, I think I work hard to get what I want... Can't I just get a freebie this time?