Thoughts.

I think that I drink too much. I mean, I feel like I can't stop. It's starting to really piss me off. -.- I brought up the idea of going to AA meetings alot, and no one agree's with me that I should. Hmpf. <---- That's a noise I make when I think..lol. Umm. Love. Does anyone know how to treat people right? I'm sick of guys telling me that thier girlfriends treat them like shit. See.. to me, girls like that are like fish. You know, just swimming in their world pool of "treating their guys like shit".. and me? Im on the current.. I don't do that.. but I sit and listen to all these good guys telling me that their girlfriends destroy them and treat them like shit. It gets to depressing. Its hard to swim on the current.. I guess you could say those guys do it too.. Because in most of my relationships I got treat like shit.. I know what it feels like to be those guys. So, maybe all those girls got treated like shit, dumped, cheated and on and on.. but why do it to them? I mean, aren't they fairly happy that someone is an actual gentalmen to them, and treat you girls like queens but they just get shitted on. What's the point.. and the weird thing about these guys is... they stay with them. I DO NOT GET THAT. But their lame excuse for not being alone.. "She'll change" ... my comback to that... is "I dont think so buddy, that girl has been hurt..and hurt bad and your the only one she wants to take it out on cause your a guy and she'll think your just like the last one.." and he'll be like 'well, im not.. blah blah blah' but that girl wont see that.. she'll just think hes a jerk and treat him like shit. and that.. ugh, that kinda ticks me off. I know a feel people like that. *cough* becca *cough* but im trying to make becca realize thier not all like that.. (Josh, I love you.) and yeah.. people she look into that.. I dont think people(guys, girls mostly..) realize that.. Thanks.

The Road Less Traveled.

Feeling lost in my own home...not knowing if I'm better off alone. A Runaway. Driving until I'm out of gas, then keep walking until I'm out of breath. to find a place I need to be. Laying on a bed of clovers in an endless dream, as another joins next to me. I'll never know his name... and he'll never know how much he meant to me. As he whispers in my ear," If we are all alone in this world, then aren't we all also together in something?"

Will You Be There?

Someone I can just cuddle.
Complete me like the missing piece of my puzzle,
And still love me when I'm in trouble.
Let me be his woman,
Respect me for who I am…
And, trust my word when no one else can-
Will pick me over all the rest,
The one who knows, for me, what's best…
And knows I ONLY loves him and doesn't have to guess.
Could be down to do whatever…
Always be around, for each other.
Who cherishes each moment we share together.

My Demented Life?

Well, my name is Madeline. I go by Maddie. My closest friends call me Mads or Julia. I'm adopted.. which is why my name is Julia. Madeline is on my birth cirtificate but my foster parents named me Julia. I hate that name despretely. I was born on Aprill 22, 1991. Which makes me 18 and a Taraus. Airgo; The bull. My life.. I sometimes hate it. I mean, my mom is a whore. I see my real mom like a lunar ecplise... So not too often. The foster mom.. she dresses like a hooker. She's married but cheats. That's overrated and uncalled for. You don't love someone, I understand that.. then why stay with them and hurt them? It's pathetic. Get a devorice, you cunt. I simply hate her. I do mostly everything around this house and she bitches at me for doing nothing. She's the one who shoots up herion and fucks everything she see's. My dad on the other end.. He's pretty cool, I guess. He hits me when I do something wrong or back-talk. And I understand that.. I guess. Cause I guess it's disapline. Oh well. -Shrugs shoulders- There's only seven people I truly care about in this world. Baylee- My niece. She was a myrical. I love her more than anything. I'm the one who really took care of her while her mother was in jail. (My sister Jennifer) And she's so adorable. I love spending time with her but it does get tiring.. and I can handle that. I cherish everytime I'm with her. You see, she's a myrical because she wasn't really supposed to be born. I guess you call her a suprise more than a mistake. I was a mistake. I was told so too. Anyways.. she wasnt suppose to be born because my sister at that time so a little overweight where her weight couldn't hold a baby. Well, she got threw it and I watched her for 7 months. I loved and enjoyed every moment of it. Jennifer- My sister. She's the one that's always been there for me. Through thick and thin. She helped me stop cutting for a bit, and she also made me see enjoy life alot more. Joshua Shaw- He's my boyfriend. He's someone I've never met.. -And I know people may not approve of that or say shit.. but SHUT THE FUCK UP. Love to me.. is about taking RISKS. And yeah, im taking a big one.. but I have faith unlike some of the assholes who tell me that Im doing wrong to my heart.- He means alot too me. He's someone who kept me intrested from the first day that I ever talked to him. He's sweet unlike anyone else I've ever met. He know's how to calm me down when I'm pissed off and or sad. He knows how to make me feel better when I'm sick. He always makes me smile and blush and I can talk to him about anything. He's someone I never want to loose. He's just... Josh. And I love him. My two nephews- They mean the world to me. Yeah, they get aggrivating but I can tell them my secrets also. And they keep them is suprising. Becca- She's my bestfriend. To be bluntly honest (I hear Josh say 'Bluntly' alot.. so I tend to use it...) I used to date her. Yeah, we're made for eachother.. just not romantically. We're never apart. She's been my bestfriend for 12 years now. We fight alot but we get over it in two minutes. We laugh at the things we argue about. It's fun to have someone so different from you, but yet so alike. Then there's my dog.. - Haha. His name is Tyson. He got his name frome the wrestler "Mike Tyson" because he bit my uncle's ear. Anyways.. I care about him.. because come on, who doesnt love their dog? No.. but I love talking to him.. (yes, i weird) but he's a good listener. And he even makes jesters to things I say.. so thats pretty sweet. He's the one who cuddles with me when I'm scared or sad. And I love it.. Umm.. I graduated from highschool and turned down Priceton. Why? Well, I do stupid shit.. But I guess I'm just taking a year off of school and might go back next year. I want to be a Photographer, RN, or a Lawyer. I need time to think. I also play acoustic guitar and the base drums. I write songs and poems. "Poems are songs" -Josh. Yeah.. I have another sister.. her name is Lucy. She died last year at the age of 14. In June. I guess you can say it's okay. She ment alot too me and still does. She overdosed and I felt like it was my fault because they we're my pills. *Sigh* You born, you live, you die. It's life. But yeah.. that's my life.

Questioning.

Why do people always use racist comments when their fighting? I used to do it alot.. and I don't understand why we do it. I mean, is it just human nature I guess. It's pathetic of what we do. We call African Americans; Niggers. We call Mexicans; Beans or border jumpers and we called white poeple; White trash or trailer trash. What the fuck is up with that seriously? It's really racial when we do it.. yet we say we're not racist. It's pretty fucked up..but It's humans I guess.

Why is the sky blue? Yeah.. I mean, why blue? I like purple. Maybe it's something that has to do with the atmosphere. Then again, space is black.. but the sky is only black;dark blue, in the night. Makes alot of sense.. not.

Why is the grass green?I don't understand why God picked those colors. Does grass scream the color green... lol.
Why are we born, then live, and then die? Sometimes I wish we could live forever.. but there's no such thing to me. I mean, who really know's if there's a heaven. I believe there is... then I don't. They say heaven is just like earth. Other people say it's nothing like it. Who do we believe?

Why do people fall in love? You know everyone falls in love at some point in time. I am at the moment.. and I don't want it to end. But, what does love really mean? .. That's a trick question you see. The answer, is very complicated yet so easy at the same time. My answer.. It's the way someone thinks of you, how they look at you, how they treat you.. Just what YOU think it is to you. The answer : Love means alot of things. And I like that. Because everyone has their own opinion.

Why do people look at love in a negitive way? I used to look at love as.. "I don't wanna fall in love" Why? "Because I'm just going to get hurt.. no matter what. I already know that I will, so what's the point" .. I realized the point is that you try. Not all may succeed but love CAN last forever. And everyone can/will have that. I think.. hope...know I have that. But I hate that I looked at it in a negitive way because then it actually goes the way you think it will. If you have confidence, I guess it'll go good. If you don't and looked at it as I used too.. You probably won't get to far. One thing's for sure.. I'm glad I don't look at it like that anymore.